Farming Lesson

Farming lessons I wished I taught back when. 

Lesson 1. Don't be a Youcan.

A Youcan is a lot like a parrot, a lot like a Toucan, which it resembles,at least superficially. You can see one on the TV. It imitates real life. It tells everyone else about things they've seen on the TV, or heard about or read about on the internet but never really done.

 

The natural habitat for youcans is in cities and towns where they flock in great numbers. They have small brains,or at least so it seems,but it may be that they just don't use them well. They have large mouths however and can be noisy, obnoxious and annoying.

 

The worst place to hear a youcan is on a farm where they are a real menace. Commonly, they come to the farm, where the farmer foolishly invites them in, often to sell them them some food he has grown with his hard work. Sometimes they come to show their kids where their food comes from and sometimes they are just driving past admiring the pastoral beauty and stop to accost the local peasant farmer over the fence. They may enter the gate and for some reason as yet unknown they are compelled to air their superior knowledge of farming and how it can be done better whilst never having stepped out of their car before in the countryside or grown anything in their life.

 

Why they think they can do this is one of the great mysteries of farming. They suffer from a peculiar, urban delusion. Do Youcans think that a two-week permaculture design course entitles them to be neurosurgeons and astronauts too? Do they really think country people want to hear their advice?

 

Most farmers say something like “Country people don't tell you how to do your profession - Don't tell me how to do mine!!!”

 

 

Words and phrases youcans often use and country person's thoughts and/or responses:

 

You know you can <insert idea from the TV/book/internet here>. Farmer thinks: That they have never tried themselves.

 

I saw on <river cottage/grand designs/gormless farmer/gardening australia>. Farmer thinks: or other equally irritating program. Farmer says ”No, I must have missed that one probably because I don't have a TV.” Farmer thinks: or time to watch it.

 

Maybe you could just <insert unworkable idea here>. Farmer thinks: you could.

 

I saw at a community I visited...Farmer thinks: but obviously didn't live in or were asked to leave or were physically removed from.

 

Have you read <book>? Farmer says “I have a substantial farming book collection but if I did chance to miss that one I'm sure it contains the bit that has held me back from growing food all this time.”

 

Have you heard of <such-and-such>? Farmer says “Do you mean <gets the name right> who's books I read all of a long time ago and who's methods I adopted for many years on several farms? Yep, I've heard of him.”

 

Wouldn't it be better to <stupid idea>. Farmer says “No,probably not.” Farmer thinks: Ever. Shakes head, falls on ground laughing or grinds his teeth.

 

What do you do all the time?  Farmer thinks: What time. Just give me one days hard work, a few hours even. Farmer says “I look for people to do work for me on the farm.”

 

Could I give you a hand?  Farmer thinks: By the time I show them how to do it and then clean up after them I'm going to miss feeding my animals and putting them to bed. I wish they would go home soon and stop getting in the way. Farmer says “I think I'll be alright.” Farmer thinks: Last time someone just chopped some wood for me they thought it was so important I owed them my life. I'm not sure I can afford the price.

 

 

Thankfully, due to my own PTSD I don't have to suffer them for long as I no longer have the patience I used to have. The only good thing that has come from my condition is that youcans have now become rare on my farm.

 

End Lesson 1.

 

© Gavin Edwards2022